"I wouldn't have given you that style anyway."
Sitting in a beauty salon chair for the second day in a row, my mouth almost dropped open as the owner began to explain why the person who had cut my hair the day before let me down. I had explained my desires clearly, I thought: I wanted bangs, longer hair (even explaining that I'd let it grow out for two months from the last cut), no top of the ears, and no boy look. I'd brought pictures (three of them!) to show the cut that I'd felt most comfortable with over my life. I'd been in this chair before and knew the perils. In one brief cutting session I've turned out looking like a boy too many times. I expected this time would be different. I'd come prepared.
But no, the owner explained. They were trained at his salon to do updated styles, not out-of-date styles. He would never give me those bangs that went to my forehead. He would never cut my hair in that style that I wanted. No, the style I was wearing on my head was artistically perfect. He was telling me that I couldn't be the "me" of my vision, that I couldn't be who I wanted to be. He was setting limitations for me and telling me that I needed to be who he wanted me to be!
My frustration and anger were intense until I got in touch with the lesson to be learned. Sometimes people might be hearing, but not listening, to me. People, despite my best attempts, may refuse to honor and respect me. I might know what I want, I might be able to communicate my desires clearly, I might even have photos to show of my expectations, but if the person I'm talking to decides not to listen then I am powerless. It's important for me to make sure that what I have communicated is being listened to, not just heard, and – more importantly – that I will be respected and honored.
I've tried being what other people wanted me to be – parents, my husbands, in-laws, bosses, colleagues, even some people that I called "friend" for a time. Trying to please them, make them feel comfortable, make them feel at ease, and ultimately try not to shine only diminished my sense of self! It's never worked!!! All of those times when I felt I had to be what other people wanted me to be and in the process denying myself and what's important to me. Hiding in fear of not being accepted, of being rejected, or at the very least not being "good enough". All along, just wanting to be loved, appreciated and accepted.
The lesson I learned was that it important that I express myself, and take responsibility for my actions and expressing my needs. But it's important, too, that I make sure that I'm communicating with people who choose to listen. People who are not so wrapped up in their own sense of importance, their own ego, to value who I am, to honor me, and to trust that I know what I want my life to look like. People who will honor my decisions and desires – even if they're different from their vision – and allow me to be who I am.
If I don't get what I want, it's okay to let people know and to allow the owner to spend a half-hour of his time trimming my hair so that the back is even. I don't want or need people to tell me who I am, who I should be, what I should look like, in order to meet their own personal agenda. It's okay to be me, to love my personal style and to honor myself.
And if they choose not to listen, it's okay to move on to someone else. I learned that, next time, I will ask the stylist to tell me what he/she would do with my hair to make sure they will honor my wishes. I learned no one will cut my hair again unless they do.
About The Author:
Debbie Friedman, M.S., C.Ht., is the Manifesting Maven who helps people
consciously create the life they love to live. She is the creator of the popular
Cleaning Out the Closet of Your Mind for Wealth series.
http://www.CleaningOutTheCloset.com
Procrastination- 4 Essentials to Break Through
"I have learned that most regrets come from the things I DIDN'T do. I have learned that regret lasts forever." Simply Brilliant
Procrastination- putting off what you can do today until tomorrow. 7 years, 5 months, and 2 days later you're wondering why you never started that book. It would have been completed. You could be reaping the rewards and writing full time. You see yourself sitting on the garden patio of your dream home surrounded by towering palms and luxurious flowers. As the ocean breeze glides across your face the telephone rings. You made the Best Seller List. In regret the vision is bright. In procrastination it's doom and gloom. Back in the present you may be saying, "There's too much competition. No one will publish my book". What if you flip flop the picture so you are pulled towards the intense vision you had in regret like it was a magnet. Why not create that vision sooner rather than later. Procrastination leads to stress, poor health, and regrets that last for life. Action results in fulfillment, life experience, and wisdom. Get the 4 steps to break through procrastination below.
Step 1- What are you procrastinating on? Is it appropriate to hold off or irrational postponement? Will this make a positive impact in your life? Choose the area that you will stop procrastinating and make a renewed commitment.
Step 2- Discover the source to find the solution. Consider when your car doesn't start. You look for the source of the problem. When you find the source it is easy to take action to make the repair. Look behind procrastination to find what is restraining you. It may be an unpleasant task, lack of interest, someone else's goal, a large overwhelming project, fear, poor time management, or indecision. Be brutally honest and get to the source.
Step 3- Based on the source; decide if this is a goal you want to keep. If so, choose a strategy that feels good to you. It may mean developing new habits. Discover the source and set up the strategy in a way that you know you will take action. Here are some possible sources and solutions to get your ideas flowing:
An Unpleasant Task/ Lack of Interest- Schedule it at the beginning of the day so it is not hanging over your head all day long. Think of how great you will feel to have it done. Reward yourself when you follow through.
Someone Else's Goal- Set a boundary...say no or accept only the part of the job that you feel good about. If you can not say no (ex. employment situation) then you may choose to follow the above solution.
A Large Overwhelming Project- Break the project into small manageable tasks. What part can you do? What can you delegate? What is the first step? What daily steps can you take? A great solution for decluttering!
Lack of Focus Due to Multiple Projects- Prioritize the projects then break them down into small manageable tasks as in the step above. Focus on completion of one project at a time.
Fear- What is the fear telling you? Is it valid or an irrational assumption? Usually what we anticipate doesn't occur. Picture the ideal end result. Affirmations and visualization can help. Focus on how great you will feel simply for having the courage to try. As Eleanor Roosevelt says, "you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. Your must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Poor Time Management- Schedule a block of time daily or weekly to work only on this project. Keep the appointments. Begin with small blocks of time (whatever you can commit) until you are consistently keeping the appointments. Then consider committing more time.
Indecision- When you don't know what to do set a deadline to make up your mind. Then get whatever support and information you need to be able to make an educated decision.
Step 4- Hold an intense vision- Think of that clear, exciting picture that shows up in regret. Allow that to pull you towards it. You have great capabilities when you take action, even if it's learning in action. Focus on how great you will feel when you go for it! After all, it is through the journey that the great and memorable moments take place.
What project will you stop procrastinating on?
The first action I will take by _____ (date) is __________________________________(action). Starting Now! Copyright 2006, Beth A. Tabak, All rights reserved.
Beth Tabak of www.StartingNowCoaching.com is a Business & Life Coach, speaker, columnist, & owner of Starting Now. She coaches big thinkers to move beyond limits, stand out in the crowd, and experience the vastness of their capabilities. Stop by to see all that's available to you and say "hello".
4 Secrets Men Keep And Why You Should Let Them
Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.
Being close doesn't mean being "fused" into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences while in a relationship, they can easily feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only brings two people closer, but enhances each person's sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 5 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.
1)That he looks at and is attracted to other women.
Don't pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn't look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and not make a show of it before others or before you - as long as he doesn't use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.
Looking at and responding to others doesn't mean he doesn't find you desirable, or that he's comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.
2)Details of his past relationships.
Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man's past relationships. They need to know if they measure up, if he's as happy with them as he was with others, what went wrong in the past relationships, or if he's really over a past love. There's no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don't hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn't want to be reminded of them, and particularly doesn't want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now.
Let him feel good about how he is with you, not be dragged past into memories of other people or of what did or did not do. The best way for him to forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean he cannot love again now. When we let the past be the past that is where it will stay.
3)Whether or not he's really happy in the relationship?
Many women just can't wait to get around to the "relationship" discussion. They want to know how he's feeling about things in general, and at some point or another, sit him down to get all the details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don't know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it's going to mean. Some fear repercussions for what they say. Communication that's healthy in a relationship is on-going. It's good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise – have them heard and attended to.
Sitting down for an "intense" discussion is not something most men are comfortable doing. It makes them feel judged and criticized and if it happens too often, can easily make them drift away.
4)If he enjoys being with his friends more than being with you?
Many women become possessive of their man's attention and resentful of time spent away from them, particularly nights out with the guys or any time spent with other friends, having a good time. The women want to be included in everything as proof of his love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. It is a bad idea to question him about this, or make him feel that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.
Some women interfere with her man's friendships and even his relationship with his family, she feels so threatened. But truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are – fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives. When you have a truly healthy relationship, you are secure in his feelings for you, and want to see him happy and fulfilled with others. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can then give to you. Let the time he has with his buddies belong to him. Don't question him about details, don't make him feel guilty as though he is taking something away from you. cc/author/2006
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Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna's new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com . Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living), http://www.theangerdiet.com.,Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), and many others. You can contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com . Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
